I just recently turned 25 years old. A quarter of a century. It
should be considered a milestone, right? I’ve graduated high school with a
solid GPA, I served a full-time mission in Peru, and now I’m mere months away
from student teaching and getting my bachelor’s degree in Elementary Education.
Looking back on everything I’ve accomplished up to this point in my life, I’d
say it is a milestone.
There has been a recent emphasis in following the covenant path by
our beloved prophet President Russell M. Nelson, which is completely wonderful
and important. However, there are also various stereotypes and “expectations”
of young adults in my age bracket, particularly of returned missionaries like
me. One of the biggest expectations is getting married. I understand the
importance of this crucial step in the covenant path. It feels like it’s been
drilled into me since the day I was born. Without celestial marriage, we can’t
achieve our full potential as children of God in the journey to become just
like Him, and we can’t gain eternal life, which is what He wants for all of us.
I’m definitely not understating the importance of this ordinance. I just think,
particularly at BYU-Idaho aka “BYU-I do,” the unique culture up here has
morphed our view of this essential ordinance.
Most of us are familiar with the phrase that labels unmarried young
people that hit a certain age (I’ve heard ages 21, 25, and 27) as “menaces to
society.” I’m sure that this unspoken yet silently acknowledged “benchmark” isn’t
what the presidents of the Church had intended to happen when they said that. For
many of us, myself included, the fact that we aren’t married yet doesn’t come
from a lack of desire. We want it just as much as the next faithful Latter-day
Saint. But it just isn’t our time yet, for whatever reason.
Being surrounded by people who always seem to be getting married
and moving on with their lives hasn’t been easy. It’s like a little boy in a
candy store, yet somehow it never seems to be his turn to choose his favorite
sweet. At a table group in one of the classes I once took up here at BYU-I, by
the end of the semester, I was the only one who wasn’t engaged, married, or
pregnant. But it wasn’t my time then.
However, there have been opportunities where I totally could have
gotten married. There have been a guy or two who were completely convinced that
I was the one for them and frequently tried to convince me that it was so. Yet I
never received that same revelation. It definitely wasn’t easy, but I was
courageous enough to follow my heart, trust in what the Spirit was telling me,
and say no, even though it would leave me to stand on my own and take on the “single”
status again.
Along with the importance of marriage in the temple, my mom has
taught me something else that is very important. She repeated to me exactly
what her mother told her when she went to college: “You will get to be married
for time and all eternity. You only get to be single once. Take this ‘Jessica
time’ to discover yourself and to have fun, before you discover Mr. Right.”
There truly is no other time in your life like college. There’s no better time
to discover who you are, what is truly important to you, and what you really want.
I think discovering those things is very important before getting married
because you’ll be able to find what you want in a spouse, you’ll become the
best version of yourself, and you’ll already have your priorities in place.
These things will help you to find the best version of your spouse as well,
because virtue attracts virtue.
This is the biggest decision of your entire eternal existence. Whom
you choose to marry will impact the rest of your mortal and eternal
life. This isn’t a decision to be taken lightly, nor should it be rushed into.
I’m the kind of person who likes to make an informed decision, particularly
with big decisions like this. However, not everyone is like me in that aspect.
I’ve seen many, many people get married in my time here at
BYU-Idaho. Each story is different, and each couple is different. I am happy
for all of those who choose to take this major step forward, and who are worthy
to enter the house of the Lord to make those sacred covenants with each other
and with our Heavenly Father. There are some couples, however, who I feel jump
into marriage without fully understanding what it is they’re getting into. The
way some people view marriage up here, often without even realizing it, reminds
me of the status-focused high school student perspective on exclusive
relationships: “Oh, I have a boyfriend,” or “Yeah, she’s my girlfriend.” Only
up here, it’s “Oh, I’m married to my wonderful husband,” or “Yeah, she’s my wife.”
There is definitely a bit of a confidence boost every time those words are said,
it’s true. But some people seem so afraid to stand on their own two feet,
whether it be from insecurity, deep emotional struggles, or whatever other
reason. Don’t be afraid of that! I’ve learned some of the most important lessons
in my life during those “independent” times.
I stand in between the extremes of depending completely on someone
else like a crutch and the popular feminist mentality “you don’t need a guy [or
girl] to be happy.” I say it’s important to be able to stand on your own, but there
is a certain type of happiness we like to call joy that comes through eternal
marriage. Another important thing to consider is that just like with serious
relationships, behind the appearance or façade of happiness and perfection,
marriage isn’t easy.
I’m definitely not calling myself a marriage expert, but I don’t
need to be an expert to know that. Part of marriage is figuring out life with
another person who was most likely raised differently, who has different
perspectives and attitudes based on the experiences he or she has had, all
while getting used to having someone else to think about, to make decisions
with, to support, and to live with. And not to mention the other stressful details
such as in-laws, traditions, figuring out where to live, how to split holidays
to spend time with both families, and so much more. Some people think that life
gets easier once you’re married, but it isn’t true. It’s a different kind of
difficult than being single.
I’ve also seen some girls introduce themselves up here by saying,
“My name is such-and-such, and I’ve been married to my wonderful husband
such-and-such for such-and-such amount of time…” It’s as if their marriage has
become their identity, which isn’t true! Marriage doesn’t change who you are in
any way. You’re still the same person you were before you got married. For many
girls, yes, you may answer to a new last name, but your first name, and with
that the essence of who you are, hasn’t changed. That is often forgotten in the
excitement of this major life change.
Now, I know there are some of you reading this who have gotten
married younger, like the 18-19 year old range. I have known many in your
situation. While that isn’t something I would personally do, I respect that if
you have discovered that that is Heavenly Father’s plan for you, then who am I
to question that? Not everyone needs to experience years of dating before
finding their eternal companions. For the rest of us, remember that Heavenly
Father does have a plan for each of us, and just because someone else’s plan
isn’t exactly like yours doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s just different! To each
his or her own, and that includes timing when it comes to marriage.
I’m asking the BYU-I culture as well as the general Church culture
not to label me as a “menace to society” simply because I haven’t found my Mr.
Right yet. I’m doing the best that I can to follow my Heavenly Father’s plan
for me, and that plan just so happens to include not getting married before my
25th birthday. I’m also taking my time with this major decision so
that I can be the best possible version of myself, and so that I can find the
best possible man for me. Remember, each of us are individuals, whether we’re
married or single, and we each deserve to have joy, and temple marriage plays
an essential role in that eternal happiness. Just don’t judge those of us who
are walking that path a little slower than what is deemed to be socially
“acceptable.”
